by Andrea Stein
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As parents we spend a lot of time saying no. It starts when the kids are little -- as a way to protect them and our sanity. But as our daughters get older, saying no can actually do more harm than good. It's important, as my mother would say, to learn to pick our battles. It's true, as moms, we do know more -- we've been there and done that, and we truly want our daughters to benefit from our wise ways. But by saying no and trying to solve all the problems ourselves, we can sometimes have a negative impact on our daughter's self-esteem. Now of course there are times when safety, family values and other concerns are more important than helping our daughter "find herself" and in those cases, the battle might be an important one. But other instances, letting our daughter make her own choices, even if we don't agree, can be important to her developing her self-esteem.
Now, just what is self-esteem and do you make sure your daughter has "it"? Most of the time self-esteem is associated with having good feelings about ourselves. This is true for both kids and adults. But that's not the whole story. Your daughter develops her self-esteem when she:
- Feels valued as a person with interests and skill.
- Feels appreciated and thought about.
- Feels noticed.
- Feels confident when facing challenges (of appropriate difficulty).
- Feels comfortable with friends and family.
- Has faith in her ability to achieve things and carry them through.
- Feels worthwhile because we have shown her that she is worthy of our care and attention.
- Has a clear sense of who she is -- what she is good at, what she likes, and can start to make choices around those interests and does not feel the need to pretend to fit in.
But why is self-esteem so important? Here are just a few of the benefits high self-esteem contributes to --
- More likely to do well in school.
- Has a wide range of interests.
- Less likely to develop an eating or body disorder.
- Less likely to become depressed.
- More likely to make friends and establish close bonds as an adult.
Great. So self-esteem is key for your daughter to develop. But, of course, it's not that easy. As a tween, like the old game of Chutes and Ladders, a girl's self-esteem can take leaps forward and then slide dramatically back on a seemingly random incident. Then something else will propel her forward and then bring her back. And so the cycle goes on. What can you do? Make sure that in her day-to-day life she is getting plenty of self-esteem reinforcement from you. Here are some tips:
- Strengthen your daughter's sense of self by listening to her and help her come to her own conclusion.
- Help her develop pride in what she's good at by praising and encouraging a natural skill or interest.
- Allow her to develop her strengths, but remember to love her for who she is, not by what she does. In other words, you don't want her to feel that she had failed you because she had a bad game or dance recital.
- Time, Time and Time -- give her time and attention. Quality time comes from a quantity of time. Share activities with her - an activity together can lead to a heartfelt discussion.
- Keep criticism to a minimum. Pick your battles. If it's not that important, let it go for now (you can always try coming back to it later).
- Provide a safe, welcoming environment and find ways for her to safely exercise her independence and autonomy.
Keywords: parenting, tween, teen, pre-teen, girls, daughters
About the Author
Andrea Stein, Lebanon, NJ, USA
andrea@girlmogul.com
Andrea Stein is the founder of GirlMogul, http://www.raiseagirlmogul.com, dedicated to encouraging successful girls. GirlMogul supports tween girls and their parents by providing information and resources to develop their self esteem and allow them to dream big. ...
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